Category Archives: Uncategorized

2013 State Fair of Texas Eatvestigation Foodventure

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SPOILER ALERT – The Gator remains undefeated in his battle against the State Fair of Texas. 2013 offered her mightiest resistance, but The Gator and Lady Gator were having none of it. This is not without some room for dispute, however. The Fair tried to pull some bush-league antics by withholding some of its edible eats from my mouth. By throwing out excuses like “oh, we ran out” (Spicy Spam Empanada), or admitting it was just a marketing hoax (Deep Fried BBQ Wontons), or by flat-out hiding things from the masses (The Beast Burrito), the Fair thought it could gut The Gator. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NO! I laugh at these feeble attempts to snatch victory from my jaws. We still kicked your delicious deep-fried ass, Fair! Continue reading

2013 State Fair of Texas: rising from the flames like a freaking food phoenix

Sweet deep fried balls of heaven. Ladies and gentlemen, we are just a little over 8 days away from opening day of the GREAT State Fair of Texas! This could quite possibly be the most anticipated State Fair in like…a really long time. Seriously, Big_Tex_fire.2_retouchedguys. Think about it. After pulling a totally awesome Dumbledore fiery exit, our great fearless state mascot, Nolan Ryan Big Tex, underwent some serious skin and bone implant surgery. He and Paul Bunyan (his best friend) went on a sweet, giant dudes shopping spree at a big and tall store (probably Casual Male XL or The Foundry) and got all new Dickies duds. He learned how to properly stop, drop and roll thanks to our good and brave Dallas Fire Department.  Now, he’s waiting in the wings doing some last minute plyometrics and burpees (because if you’re from Dallas, you do Crossfit) preparing to rise from the ashes. Continue reading

The 2012 State Fair of Texas Eatvestigation Foodventure

I’m from Texas which means: I got a ranch in downtown Dallas. I buy diamonds by the ton. Chase cuties in my Cadillac. Drill oil wells just for fun. And when it comes to the Fair, I (and my gator belly) swell with that arrogant bastard Texan pride that makes us everyone’s favorite Americans. But, I still want a deal! A damned delicious deal and I want all you other eating humans of the world to share in this deal.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Gator, yet again, performed the ultimate service to all food eating humankind: eating all the new offerings the State Fair of Texas has…to offer. Continue reading

7 Days!

Get excited eating human peoples – – The Great State Fair of Texas opens one week from today! Have you been doing your kegels? Have you been doing your stomach stretches? I have! There’s going to be a lot to explore when those gates fly open and battered and fried angels sing glorious calorie laden choruses.

But, what about money? Is your wallet ready? True, The Fair is no cheap exercise in awesomeness. That’s why I got really f***ing rich – so, I could go crazy at The Fair, trying all the food eats and food bites and then report to your stomach’s wallet where to best spend your tiny limited funds (excuse me while I give you a pity laugh). I wish you were rich, then we could be friends in real life. Continue reading

2012 State Fair of Texas Preview

Do you smell that? That’s my State Fair erection…and it’s growing.

Within the last 12ish days(?) the finalists for the 2012 State Fair of Texas Big Tex Choice Awards were announced and a winner was named. Upon reading the list of foods that, in just under a month, will meet their end in my stomach, I was left with a feeling peppered with excitement but mostly flavored with a giant question mark above my head. I guess it was also upheld by dedication, responsibility, and nostalgia. I have a job to do. A service to mankind. However, I don’t find myself with the feeling of blind food disbelief  and “awe” that many others in the world of the interwebs do. Continue reading

IL CANE ROSSO-SO (OR “HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT A DIET AND EAT LOTS OF PIZZA”)

1.) What’s up world. I’m back.
2.) Just finished a show, so that means it’s time to eat! And, when it’s time to eat, I EAT. The Lady Gator and I have been craving pizza. Like a true awesome gentleman, I suggested CiCi’s. The Lady Gator said “no”. That meant it was time to check out the place I had heard so much about and was dying to try: IL CANE ROSSO. Continue reading

A Quick Texas Rangers Soapbox Rant

Alright Rangers fans.

 It slipped away tonight. That’s what the Yankees do. They’re a machine. A cold, efficient, relentless machine. But we’re the Rangers. Yeah, we’ve got really stupid claws and antlers, a player who refuses to speak English, a manager who used to smoke in the dugout and was busted for coke, and an MVP candidate who at any moment could fall down and break his lung or disappear for 8 days on a bender.  That’s why we love them. We’re the fun guys who make you love baseball again.  Tonight, I saw an entire theatre full of people (18 year old prissy girls, middle aged women, dads wishing that the play would be over so they could get by a tv or radio) all on cloud 9 and then instantly and collectively crushed.  I guarantee 3/4 of that theatre paid NO attention to the Rangers until the past month or so, but we were all unified.  It was EXHILARATING to see that!  Lifelongs, new bloods, and bandwagonners, alike.  It was wonderful.  This is special. I’ve never seen anything like this before and we’ve never seen anything like this before.

 That’s why YOU shouldn’t give up hope.  That’s why you should get PISSED OFF when “fans” leave when its no longer fun as a cold machine like the Yankees does what it does and plays tough. YOU should get pissed off when “fans” start bad mouthing the team. We had the game tonight.  We wounded the Yankees.  We can have the game and kill them tomorrow. Don’t let the fairweather fans be passengers. Shake them by their stupid collars and tell them to stay on for the full ride or get busy dying.  

 Don’t lose hope.  Because, at the end of the day: our manager is a candidate for Manager of the year, we still have an MVP candidate, Cliff Lee is a bad ass (even if he’s a soldier for hire), and Nolan Ryan is at the helm.  And, if you REALLY need inspiration remember this: the Rangers are ONE of FOUR teams still playing baseball in October after needing to borrow money from Major League Baseball just to buy batting practice baseballs!  Dammit!  If these, knuckleheads can get THIS far, who says they can’t do the impossible?  Who says they can’t beat the evil empire and go all the way?  We got this!