2013 State Fair of Texas Eatvestigation Foodventure


SPOILER ALERT – The Gator remains undefeated in his battle against the State Fair of Texas. 2013 offered her mightiest resistance, but The Gator and Lady Gator were having none of it. This is not without some room for dispute, however. The Fair tried to pull some bush-league antics by withholding some of its edible eats from my mouth. By throwing out excuses like “oh, we ran out” (Spicy Spam Empanada), or admitting it was just a marketing hoax (Deep Fried BBQ Wontons), or by flat-out hiding things from the masses (The Beast Burrito), the Fair thought it could gut The Gator. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NO! I laugh at these feeble attempts to snatch victory from my jaws. We still kicked your delicious deep-fried ass, Fair! Continue reading

2013 State Fair of Texas: new fried foods for the masses

New Big Tex 2

I get corny dog in my eye, too.
Photo Credit: Tom Fox, Dallas Morning News

I promised in my initial State Fair of Texas post dealing with the Big Tex Choice Awards to comment and discuss the generically named “New Fried Foods” at the Fair. I hope you’ve been drinking water. The drool factor and salt content are going to mess you up, sucka. Continue reading

Welcome back, old friend…

In case you haven’t heard, the new Big Tex debuted yesterday. Here he is:

New Big Tex

Photo credit: Amy Silverstein

Originally planned to be a dramatic unveiling on Friday, Thursday’s winds started to slowly undress Big Tex from his white coverup drape revealing his head to the media. Knowing the rug had been pulled out from under them, officials just kind of looked at each other with question mark face, threw their arms in the air with give up and just dropped Big Tex’s giant sarong. Such a womp-wah moment. The big guy deserves better than that. Oh well.  Continue reading

2013 State Fair of Texas: rising from the flames like a freaking food phoenix

Sweet deep fried balls of heaven. Ladies and gentlemen, we are just a little over 8 days away from opening day of the GREAT State Fair of Texas! This could quite possibly be the most anticipated State Fair in like…a really long time. Seriously, Big_Tex_fire.2_retouchedguys. Think about it. After pulling a totally awesome Dumbledore fiery exit, our great fearless state mascot, Nolan Ryan Big Tex, underwent some serious skin and bone implant surgery. He and Paul Bunyan (his best friend) went on a sweet, giant dudes shopping spree at a big and tall store (probably Casual Male XL or The Foundry) and got all new Dickies duds. He learned how to properly stop, drop and roll thanks to our good and brave Dallas Fire Department.  Now, he’s waiting in the wings doing some last minute plyometrics and burpees (because if you’re from Dallas, you do Crossfit) preparing to rise from the ashes. Continue reading

The 2012 State Fair of Texas Eatvestigation Foodventure

I’m from Texas which means: I got a ranch in downtown Dallas. I buy diamonds by the ton. Chase cuties in my Cadillac. Drill oil wells just for fun. And when it comes to the Fair, I (and my gator belly) swell with that arrogant bastard Texan pride that makes us everyone’s favorite Americans. But, I still want a deal! A damned delicious deal and I want all you other eating humans of the world to share in this deal.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, The Gator, yet again, performed the ultimate service to all food eating humankind: eating all the new offerings the State Fair of Texas has…to offer. Continue reading

7 Days!

Get excited eating human peoples – – The Great State Fair of Texas opens one week from today! Have you been doing your kegels? Have you been doing your stomach stretches? I have! There’s going to be a lot to explore when those gates fly open and battered and fried angels sing glorious calorie laden choruses.

But, what about money? Is your wallet ready? True, The Fair is no cheap exercise in awesomeness. That’s why I got really f***ing rich – so, I could go crazy at The Fair, trying all the food eats and food bites and then report to your stomach’s wallet where to best spend your tiny limited funds (excuse me while I give you a pity laugh). I wish you were rich, then we could be friends in real life. Continue reading

2012 State Fair of Texas Preview

Do you smell that? That’s my State Fair erection…and it’s growing.

Within the last 12ish days(?) the finalists for the 2012 State Fair of Texas Big Tex Choice Awards were announced and a winner was named. Upon reading the list of foods that, in just under a month, will meet their end in my stomach, I was left with a feeling peppered with excitement but mostly flavored with a giant question mark above my head. I guess it was also upheld by dedication, responsibility, and nostalgia. I have a job to do. A service to mankind. However, I don’t find myself with the feeling of blind food disbelief  and “awe” that many others in the world of the interwebs do. Continue reading